It’s finally here…the long-awaited second half of Tina Fey’s hilarious Fieldston School Commencement Address. Scroll down for a complete transcript provided by oppositeofperfection.tumblr.com . Thank you to TinaObsessed for letting me know.
Thank you! It’s an honor to be here at the Fieldston school today and I am beyond flattered that you would want to spend this momentous day of your life with me. This is a seriously good looking group of people. You guys could fold shirts at Abercrombie. For real.
I would never attempt to tell you how to proceed with your lives…but I will tell you a little bit about how I got here and maybe that will be of interest to you. I graduated high school in 1988. To give you an idea of what 1988 was like….McDonald’s commercials still had the Hamburglar in them…and crack had just been invented. It was a simpler time. We didn’t face any of the techno-stress that you guys must have. Texting, and IM’ing, and facebook, and i-chat, and skype, and wiz-bang, and myspace. Wiz-bang is not a real thing. I just wanted to freak out any parents who are here…make them think there was some thing their kids were doing that they weren’t aware of. We didn’t have any of that stuff. Once we got home from school and sat down with a jar of pringles to watch Oprah….we were pretty much cut off from the outside world until the next morning. And I prefer it that way. I wouldn’t want to be 14 or 15 or 16 today. There are just so many electronic devices for boys to not call you on. I don’t need someone breaking up with me on X-Box Live. I don’t need that.
After high school, I went to study Drama at the University of Virginia. I studied playwriting there. The University of Virginia….where I never drank and remained a virgin. One of those things was a choice. But I do think that they both turned out to be good things for me. Because I had a lot of time to study. Alone.
After college I moved to Chicago where I had a chance to study improvisation at the Second City. It’s a comedy theater in Chicago where a lot of famous comedians got their start. Chris Farley, John Belushi, Gilda Radner….some people actually lived. But it’s a place where the actors work together to make up the material on the spot. Studying improvisation changed my life. The rules of improvisation appeal to me not only as a way of creating new material, but it also kind of changed my world view.
The first rule of improvisation is…agree. Always agree and say yes. When you’re improvising a scene you always have to agree with whatever your partner has created. So…if you and I are improvising and I come in say (arm outstretched) “Freeze, I have a gun.” And you say, “That’s not a gun, that’s your finger. You’re pointing your finger at me.” Then our improvised scene has ground to a halt. But if I come in say (arm outstretched) “Freeze, I have a gun.” And you say, “The gun I gave you for Christmas…how could you?” Then we’ve started a scene, because we’ve agreed that my finger is in fact a…Christmas gun. Now obviously in real life you’re not always going to agree with everything that another person says. I mean, that would be ridiculous. But the thing about the rule of agreement is that it teaches you that second part of it which is “respect what your partner has created.” I think that leads you to a great open minded starting place. To start with a “Yes” in all your interactions…and then see where that takes you.
Second rule of improv is not just to say yes, but yes and. Which means you read what’s been created and then you are obligated to add on to it. So if you and I are in a scene and I say “Ah it’s so hot in here!” you say, “yeah…” once again we’ve kind of lost our momentum. But if I enter the scene and say “ah it’s so hot in here’ and you say “what did you expect, we’re in Hell?” Then we’ve created something new. Now we know where we are. And I think the life lesson here is don’t be afraid to contribute. Always make sure you are adding something to the discussion and to know that your initiations are worthwhile and helpful.
The next rule of improvisation is make statements. Which is sort of a more polite way of saying don’t ask questions all the time. That plays out in an improv scene if I come in and see you and say “where are we? What are we doing? What’s in that box? What’s going on? What’s happening?” then obviously all that pressure is on you to answer all those questions and to create everything by yourself. I think the larger lesson here is that wherever you find yourself, wherever the task is or the problem is at hand, make sure you’re part of the solution. Don’t just sit around pointing out problems. I think adults here have certainly all worked with someone somewhere where the person goes “well I don’t know if that’s not going to work. I don’t want to do that.” That person is a drag. You don’t want to be that person wherever you end up.
Another rule in improvisation is to stay in the present, stay in the present. This is where Buddhism and improv comedy cross. Because obviously the present is the most interesting place to be. If I start a scene saying …where’s my boyfriend Ben?…if I say” Ben I love you!” and you say “one time fifteen years ago I read a book about cats.” We’re at cross-purposes. But if we’re in the present…who knows. So, try to be in the present moment if you can. Try to be in the present this moment, right now, for a second if you can. This is a big one. And look at the person next to you and take them in. Because you don’t know, you might not see them for a while. The next time you see them they might be bald, or pregnant. They might be wearing a spacesuit. I don’t know what’s going to happen! We might have to wear spacesuits soon! Another improv class that I liked, was more than a saying than a rule, but was “follow your fear.” Which in improve usually leads to someone making you sing an improvised song or rap which is the worst thing that can happen but uh the larger thing is the notion that if something scares you a bit means that you should follow it a little bit. Now follow your fear does not mean that you should get in the car, with a weirdo in a small parking lot. But it does mean that there are moments in your life when something comes up, a chance to move to a new city, or the chance to study in another continent, read your short story out loud, and you feel a lot of fear. And that fear means that you should definitely do it. Finally my favorite is that there are no mistakes. Which means that if I start an improve scene and come in towards you and I’m carrying what I think is a birthday cake for you and you say “ahh my pet tiger. Thanks you” It’s your pet tiger now, that’s it, and we’re moving forward. And I think the idea of living in a world where there are no mistakes only choices and we move forward from our choices is a pretty great world to live in. And learning all these rules has shaped my outlook permanently and I feel like it make me a more positive person. To this day when I’m I a business meeting with someone and I’m always sort of jarred if their answer is “no I don’t think so, that’s not possible.” I’m always sort of like “well how about yes? Or how about yes?” It’s just a different way of looking at everything. As a hopeful person I have very high hopes for all of you. We’re obviously living in historic times. To the young women in this class I’m happy to say I don’t think any one of you will be the first female president of the United States. I think you will be the second or third. You know Ms. Clinton’s campaign ended this last week, three months after it was over. But someone will get in there whether it is Ms. Rice of Nancy Pelosi of danica Patrick or god-willing oprah but someone some will win that election. Which is good for you guys because it will be terrible to go first. All anyone will talk about is her haircut, how her menstrual cycle is affecting the dow jones, it will just be terrible. To the young people of color- congratulations you are living in a historic time. We currently have our first African American president. SO by now we can only be 5 or 10 years from seeing an African American girl on Gossip Girl. But honestly that is unbelievably important. To the young white male sin this audience, I want to say it’s going to be okay. We are still going to let you run almost everything. Because I think it must be a bad time to be a white guy because everyone is so psyched to get rid of you. And the road to equality for everyone else may feel like lost to you guys. It’s going to be okay. I for one don’t care what anybody says. I like white dudes. It’s an exciting time not to say that your future will be easy. Generation X and the baby boomers are turning over the world to you with a lot of scratches on it. The world is banged up. Global warming, the war, religious conflict. I looked online last night to see what some of the most promising careers over the next 25 years for you guys. It’s great you could be an extreme weather preparedness expert, a post hurricane redevelopment architect, mortgage psychologist. You could be a person who goes from door to door reminding people what polar bears were. Also, big job they are “trying to find someone to invent a car that runs on wine.” Because that would be cheaper…or a car that runs on old big iPods. But anyway if you want to see more of those you can look them up on wizbang. Alright what else do I want to tell you guys before I help release you into the wild. I’ve only ever spoken at girls schools before, but I think the sentiments are primarily the same. I used to tell them to be kind to each other, trusts each other and be trustworthy, always wear a bra to work, okay maybe not that one…that’s uh…well you know either way! This one I feel for a certain reason really compelled to tell you this, don’t smoke…ever! If you smoke you’re a dumb-dumb. That’s it end of story. And you may be wondering why I’m telling you this but in a couple of years you’re going to be in a dorm or a summer trip to Thailand and you’ll see someone smoking and it will look cool. I want you to remember me making this face at you (ugly face with thumbs down!) “Ewww booo don’t smoke!” Alright so this is the last thing. Remember a few months ago Michelle Obama got into a ton of trouble because I guess it was after the Iowa caucuses and she said “for the first time in my adult life I feel proud of my country.” She got in big trouble, it was ridiculous that she got in trouble, but it did make me feel unsettled whens he said it. And I’m still trying to figure out why and I think what made me feel unsettled about it is because I think inadvertently she is fostering this feeling that we as individuals are separate from our country and sometimes it’s easy to think of America as this ignorant, embarrassing population separate from us. So like 250 million weird cousins in sweat pant shorts. It’s like “Oh God here comes America.” But I think it’s important to remember that you’re a part of this country, too. And that if you’re doing the right thing and you’re acting responsibly in the world, then you have every reason to be proud of yourselves and proud of your country. America is not just you know like clansmen and guys screaming at each other. You count. You define America. You are good people, educated people. I want you to know that you count. You are America. So, in summation say yes, make statements, be in the present, follow your fear, wear a bra, don’t smoke, invent a car that runs on wine, be America, and in the words of Stanley Fich, have fun, be safe, party hard.
